lamourimaginaire

Archive for July, 2010|Monthly archive page

i despise having wishfull thinking

In Uncategorized on July 27, 2010 at 4:19 am

Im having so much crap in my head right now, cant sleep so my brain keeps bulding these crazy scenarios where i win in the end, god seriously that sucks.
I wish i could meet someone new alredy and get this shit over with.

And the hating part? Kinda over alredy, but the getting hot part is still. a. go!

I almost fucked up my weekend

In Uncategorized on July 25, 2010 at 9:44 pm

So last night i went to a friends graduation, and met up with a bunch of people that i really missed, my school peeps.

And we talked and laughed and i told them about my recent heartbreak.

And one of my friends told me i shoul´ve made the guy break up his relationship for me.

I told him i couldnt do that and stuff, cause it wouldnt feel right.

After a lot of beers i got my blackberry and started to read my old emails, that he sent me, and god, all i wanted to do is call him, thankfully i didnt have his number, but i almost sent him an email.

I get so mad with myself when i think about this stuff, cause i consider myself a strong person, self control and all, but last night i almost lost it  alittle.

I promised myself a long time ago that i would never be this person that syas, choose me, love me, pick me! i think that´s horrible you know, to have to beg for someones affection, but at the same time i really want to be with him, i miss him, i miss that son of a bitch.

Wich is RIDICULOUS, cause we´ve met twice in life, and ok we talked for hours, the first time like 4 hours, the second like 8 hours, but even though it seems a long time it´s not , i think, but still i miss him, i never had this connection with anyone you know, that connection that you can talk talk talk talk, and there´s never that unconfortable silence or you run out of things to say.

All i know is that i need to get out of this funk, fast, it´s not healthy, really….

Ramblings

In Uncategorized on July 23, 2010 at 9:05 pm

So, i think im getting to the hate part, really do, cause now i’m past the whole ow what now, well now i lost thats now.

So i have to think about the after, wich is, geting even 😀

Yeah, i´’m gonna bring my inner revenge self out, but, i’m not gonna be mean to anyone, my plan is:

-working out- that’s right, i’m gonna get UBER HOT, by december, and let me tell you this, junk food? gone! worthless calories in alcohool? gone! (ok, what i mea is more vodka, less beer hehehehe)

-Finding me a hottie

-when im hot and with a hottie, im gonna do something that makes me stumble with the jerk so he can see how hot i am and how hot who’s is with me is 😀

i think it’s a good plan

I wanted an answer right?

In Uncategorized on July 21, 2010 at 7:36 pm

And i got one.

It was all a misunderstanding, he´s happy, happy and dating, and he just really happened to remember me, isn´t he sweet? ¬¬

And im pissed!

I know, i know i asked for it, but fuck him, why the bloody hell does he get to be happy?

As i said before my life is a bad joke, im the one who gets screwed every single time, seriously!

And he did something that really pissed me off, he said i was a jerk it won´t happen again!

Heres what i wrote: You dont have to feel like  ajerk ity was a misunderstaing, actually you´re not a jerk, i guess i just read something that i wanted to read, i dunno

Cause i dont want him to feel bad about it! why? cause im an idiot, thats why;

Here´s what i should have wrote:

To ……..

From: me

subject- bacon

content:

Hi,

Screw you, have a crappy life now

Thank You

Hate You / Like You

In Uncategorized on July 19, 2010 at 8:34 am

You know what? I hate you, hate you for making me think of you, hate for telling me that seeing something made you think of me, hate that you even described a conversation you had where you called me beautiful.

You have no right to think of me, you have no right to send me e-mails, you have no right telling me i’m beautiful, you´re taken, you´re with someone, so you have no right doing this to me, cause i´m trying to do the right thing here, i´m trying to be a good person and stay where i am, i´m trying hard to stay put, because what i want to do, really want to do is fight for you, is to say end you´re relationship and let´s try, but that would be bad, that wouldn’t be something a good person do, cause a good person does not try to end someone else’s relationship just cause i cant stop thinking about you, and i hate you for that.

At the same time i like you, and keep thinking of how it would be, and i´m really trying hard to hate you, to call you an asshole, but i’m gonna be honest and its being hard, really hard to do that, cause every time i start to hate i remember how you say hello, or how you blush sometimes, and how you´re eyes are beautiful, so it´s hard hating you, even when you say that you don´t believe in anything and that you hate some kinds of knowledge, when i can see that that´s not true, and how you make me think, and how my brain works near you, and how we talked for hours and it felt like minutes, and how i felt good around you, and how i didnt feel the need to be something im not, and how you make me feel mature well over my years.

And that´s why i hate you / like you, and i wish i could be a little more selfish and tell you to choose me, pick me, be with me.

But i can´t do that, so i wait, and pray, and each day try to think of you less.

Congratulations you made a fool out of me Humpty Dumpty, and now i just wanna know, when you fall, which side of the wall will you fall on….

Vodka and me, a love story

In Uncategorized on July 12, 2010 at 5:40 am

Ok i know i just sounded like an alkie with that tittle but it´s true, me and vodka are tight.

Take for instance last night, i was playing at this party, and i never drink before i play, i start to drink in the middle of the set. Anyway the set ended and i asked my first real drink of the night, a vodka tonic, wich combined with the 4 beers i had before made me a little buzzy, wich was great.

But as all love affairs vodka has a problem, as any lover i can get you a little pissed off, and it did, i got into a conversation that now in retrospect i shoulndt have, cause i sounded like a crazy person, but, in my defense, you never argue with a drunk person, specially if you know that person is holding a grudge, it´s just not healthy, period!

My friend decided it would be  a good idea to defend the latest piece of crap that treated me, well, like crap, ok not like crap, but not good, not right, not fairly, i got the raw end as usual.

Well lets just say things got  a little heated after my friend decided to go all like “one day you´re gonna understand, and it wasnt that bad, and really you´re overreacting ” to wich i answered:

“well fuck you, im not overreacting shit! i got the raw end, and i have a right to be pissed, and fuck you for not taking my side”

Yeah im pissed off at him, he´s my friend for fuck´s sake, he should take my side, whatever if im not 100% right, (which in this case i totally am!)

And by the way, this whole situation? my friends fault, he was the one who introduced me and the fucker., so come on! he´s totally wrong in not having my back. Wich sucks, cause everytime my friends was suffering over someone it was my shoulder who got wet listen to his bitchin, and trying to help him, and now he comes on all high and mighty telling i´m overreacting?

Yeah, cause he was sooo right when he wanted to kiss his ex at the party last week, or last year, but i´m the overreactor, next time he has a situation like the ones he usually have i’m just gonna say, well, you´re kinda overreacting don´t you think?

Well, going back to the vodka, after the fight, i went on and got myself another vodka tonic, wich just fucked me, i got all kinds of crazy after that, i can´t help it, it´s amazing, i got pissed off, then i was happy dancing.

Got home at 7:30am, and wetn to bed, wich tottaly backfired when i got the hiccups until 8:30am!!!

Result of my saturday: i got up at 18:00pm on sunday, with a major hangover and pissed as hell at my fucker friend.

Awesome right?

Happiness

In Uncategorized on July 8, 2010 at 6:20 am

Sometimes i wonder what heppines really is, if it´s getting what you want, or if it´s achieving something new, there are soo many things that can bring happiness that it´s kinda hard to pin point what it really is.

I often hear people say that without sadness we don´t have happiness, wich i agree, sometimes when i´m really depressed i actually get numb, and thats interesting cause those are the moments when im most creative.

Last week i had a breakdown, and i don´t do breakdowns, seriously, i often bottle up everything, oh don´t get me wrong, i talk a lot, i love talking about my shit over and over and over again, but i never loose control, last week, i lost it.

And it felt kinda good, i was so rock bottom with my feelings, i mean my life is a mess right now, not just one aspect, but all of it, im borke, out of a job, no jobs out there are appealing to me, my love life is a joke, as usua, and i don´t have any perspectives to what i should do, i don´t know what to do.

And that got me thinking about happiness, i mean, what does it take to make me happy, if i´ts finding love, if it´s finding work i don´t know what will do.

Other than that im just trowing myself into new projects, i always wanted to be multimedia, why make money with just one thing? right?

But i have to admit sometimes i get so bored with not having a job everyday that i almost want to ask for my old job back!! Thats depressing, really!

I´ve been looking at my friends lately and wondering what makes them happy also you know, for instance one of my friends is single for like a month, and freaking out, she needs, and i mean NEEDS to be in a relationship to truly be happy.

I don´t, i remeber entire periods of my life that i was truly happy, and single! And moments where i was in a relationship and miserable! So should i stay single? it´s that the answer?

when no sleep is good

In Uncategorized on July 5, 2010 at 9:23 am

Sometimes i can’t sleep, i just can’t and most of those times i freak out cause i can’t.

Well tonight its different cause tonight my lack off sleep is bringing me good ideas, and that may bring me money wich is awesomeeee hehehe

I dunno, i have so many different ideas and inspirations in my life, soo much i wanna do, and its not all connected, i mean, i have a a profession, wich i love, but i also love other things that don( connect at all with my chosen profession, other projects, so i have conflicts in my head sometimes thinking what i should do, stay with the career i chose or move to another, its complicated, and i know that i have that conflict cause i need to be good at everything i do , i have a a unhealthy need to be the best, and sometimes i get it! Sometimes i dont…

That need can fuck me up sometimes, like when i top someone, even if its someone i love, i get this amazing feeling, i kinda feel like oprah everytime she gets skinny over a a new diet: I GOT IT PEOPLE, I GOOOOT IIIIITTTT

But the point of this post is: sometimes no sleep can lead u too ideas that will make you rock!!!

moving on

In Uncategorized on July 2, 2010 at 10:21 pm

It’s a a weird thing this moving on thing.
Last night i was so pissed off so angry, so mad, and today i woke up fine, weirdly numb, seriously im not feeling nothing at all wheb i think about last night, i just feel numb.
Wich must be a a good thing.
Well im gonna work now, lets hope the numbness stays

sleep?

In Uncategorized on July 1, 2010 at 7:07 am

Ok you know when u turn eveerything off, lie in bed and try to sleep and nothing happens?

That happens to me all the time, so now here i am trying to go to sleep, lets hope it goes well

And yes i should tell ya that there is going to be a a lot of useless posts around here, cause lets face it, thats what this blog is about, useless rantings about my dark and twisty and crazy life, and i know that everyone thinks they have a a fucked up life, but for me, mine’s special 🙂

Nighty night